That dude doesn’t read. C’mon.

Read Miley Cyrus’ instagram profile. It says the same thing.

Now go get your shine box!

Nice burn.

Super gross, dude.

So I have a first gen iPhone... is that worth something? No box or anything, it’s just chillin’ in a drawer.

Why the fuck was @thefatjewish at the White House Correspondents Dinner? He probably stole someone’s invitation and took credit for it.

Robert De Niro: making the case for dying young since 1997.

I hope he told you to go fuck yourself.

The preferred term is “auto technician.”

I think you’re missing a word or two in that first sentence, bro.

Can you use the word “Hulk” now without getting sued?

Take the stairs if you need to get to the 2nd floor. Anything else is fine for the elevator. Sheesh. New Yorkers! Amirite?

My dad flew F-14s in the Navy, right when Top Gun came out. I was in 2nd or 3rd grade and man, was that a cool job for your dad to have.

Yup.

That headline gave me vertigo.

Are there any bigger pussies in professional sports? Soccer players, maybe.

His tears are so delicious.

When a cop gets that fat he or she ought to be assigned desk duty until they lose enough weight to the point where they are no longer morbidly obese. Jesus Christ, these fat fucking cops.

“President Johnson made me shit my pants.”