Having to do the whole "Who's On First" bit live on the radio while silently weeping due to the fact you've just been informed one of your young children has died will do that to a man.

I hope you used a phonebook, so it didn't leave any marks.

I went to support them directly, but nobody really buys merch at a riot.

For some reason the curriculum at The Freedom School doesn't mention The Holocaust in this iteration.

There's always The Bob Crane Show… nevermind.

Or back towards, if you count stuff like Lonesome Dove: The Outlaw Years.

Or Flesh and Bone without the murders, the vending machine servicing and the stars.

The exceedingly rare self-blumpkin?

Oh good! I was afraid it was just going to be like Turbo Teen, only depressing because he was trapped on train tracks and enslaved by Sir Topham Hatt or something.

Q: Can "The Big Bus" and Sonny Chiba's "Bullet Train" be far behind?
A: Yes, yes they can.

Will the Seven Lady Truckers be coming with them?

This whole thing is going to turn out to be a smokescreen to conceal the terrible truth: it's really a remake of Johnny Bago.

Distribut 'er cap? I hardly knew 'er!

Well one of the leads could be out these days, which is more than one of the stars got to be back in the day.
So viewers wouldn't get stuck with Glenn Corbett midway through the show, is what I'm saying.

The twist is that he was dead inside the whole time.

This is a horrible idea. Even the weaker episodes of the old show work as time capsules of the cities where they were filmed. Everything about the show exists as a moment in time that is past.
This remake will last approximately as long as if it were "Humbert Humbert visits a motel of the week".

“Do I wanna see my ex-Special Forces ex-partner marry my baby girl daughter?”

Oh Heavenly T-Dog

Yep, it's an extended riff on that one Amazing Stories episode.

Well, what states are giving big tax credits for filming? That might help narrow down the list.