There are generators! The guy who used to work on them retired (yep, it was my dad, he has spent many a day underneath Millennium Force) so I’m assuming his replacement is a doofus.

I vehemently disagree! Apology writing is an art form by this point and he hit the obvious points. He doesn’t get a cookie for that. I’ll wait to see if he actually stops being a piece of shit.

I don’t want to use the self-scanner at the grocery store if I don’t get a discount for doing the work myself!

Hmmm, the email said “three languages” rather than “three MORE languages” so it would really be hilarious if Drew woke up one day with no goddamn clue what his kids were saying because he suddenly didn’t speak English anymore.

I only watched the pilot but gosh, that “somebody alert the authorities!” joke about that white boy with the Germany jacket and creepy notebook sure was funny! I, for one, am impressed with the showrunner for finding so much humor in school shootings!

My two favorite things about Bode Miller’s commentary are

Clearly you should’ve taken her name!

Oh my god, 2012 seems like a beautiful dream. Obama got re-elected and the Browns won five games that year! FIVE!!!

I would be thrilled to see Trump as a corpse at every funeral. That would be fucking awesome.

HE DIDN’T SAY SORRY

He didn’t apologize. This is a fucking garbage statement from a fucking garbage person.

Thanks to 2017, I googled “Jeff Goldblum allegations” yesterday just to make sure he wasn’t actually terrible. I had a moment of panic when there were a lot of results but thankfully, the articles were all about him having a stalker!

“Yeah I ate the whole chip, that’s why it’s called a chip challenge!”

“On Sunday Gov. Jerry Brown signed a bill that made California the first state to officially recognize a third gender.”

Did anyone else think (hope? I’m evil) that guy’s pipes were going to freeze and explode frozen diarrhea all over his house or was that just me?

In that email he sent before he was fired, he said “a lot of the allegations are false.” He is only denying some of it.

“God Bless America” is the worst song in the universe and anyone who plays it ON A HARMONICA IN AN AIRPORT is a true monster.

Well duh, she hiked 30 hours a day every day. It’s simple math!

Someone I know said that she never had GI issues while running until after she had a kid and now it’s one of my Top 100 reasons not to give birth. “My guts are fine when I run” is one of my favorite things about myself, I don’t want to risk losing that.

I think it’s about a dude who thinks women are disposable and he can get himself a newer, younger model whenever he’s done with one.