It’s not that Melo is 33; it’s that he just finished year 15. He’s 7th in minutes among active players. Everyone above him not named LeBron is worthless. You have to go down to 15 (Chris Paul) before you get to a player who’s not worthless, and he only played 58 games this year.

Jesus. I’m talking about Jesus.

Huh, so, TNT made a point of saying, at the halftime of the Rockets game, that before the interview they’d asked LeBron if he wanted to comment. Huh.

“Hey LeBron, you’ve been off the court for all of three minutes, and are still profusely dripping sweat. Can you comment on the personal tragedy that befell a friend on live television? Yeah, I know, you’re very tired from doing things athletically that no one else on Earth is capable of, but, like, stay focused, ok?”

It’s weirdly callous. LeBron’s played for Pop multiple times as part of Team USA and has repeatedly expressed his love and appreciation for the guy. Dropping that bomb on him is a dick move, and honestly I thought he handled it amazingly well.

I could not fucking believe they did that.

They sprung this news on LeBron in the postgame interview (which is a gross thing to do) and he choked up on live TV. Obviously Pop is loved in the NBA community and I suspect a whole lot of players knew Erin and cared about her as well. I’m sure Pop will receive an absolute outpouring of sympathy, both publicly and…

Triggered?

• “Elite.” (Flacco, Joe)

Yes. Bautista’s WAR is only higher because of the things he did as a Baseball player.

I really hope there’s someone out there named Elite Wiggle - that would be fantastic in the All Names Bracket.

Jose Bautista is subject of one of my all time favorite Onion articles (graphics?)

“Deep balls hang on him”

sounds pretty roughned

Ah well, it’s sad to see. Although I wouldn’t entirely rule him out maybe having a bounceback year it sure looks like his time as an effective major leaguer might be done.

“Can drive it with velocity”

Christ, guys, I’m at work.

Initial get-off is below average

“Elite wiggle triggered by fluid hips”

But let’s not forget the most erotic bullet point in NFL history: “Upper thigh.” (Plaxico Burress, Mich. St.)