Thanks! I hope my newly whitened teeth will distract everyone from my hairy palms.

“If you want to be your strongest, get some sun on your boys. And by boys, I mean your testicles.”

He should try the Jade Egg’s. I hear they’re fantastic!

Obviously the Sixers didn’t pay extra for no-Fultz insurance.

Could be like a PornHub advertisement...Cox Too Big for Cousins? Watch video to find out!

He’s nuts over her.

I know, right. Man, that dude’s a trip.

I haven’t seen a pissing contest involving somebody with a prosthetic leg this hotly contested since Paul McCartney’s divorce.

My wife and I were in VA Beach for a wedding. At the time she was 7 mos preggo. There was a golf tournament in town and some of the tour people were staying at our hotel. Long story short; We were entering the hotel and Earl Woods was in front of us. He let the heavy door slam in my wife’s face. He knew she was…

Your kid is much, much more likely to be abused by a family member.

I’m a Michigan fan, but I would almost certainly fuck every single Ohio State cheerleader, given the chance. Get your fucking priorities straight, man.

“Milwaukee, Minnesota...nobody gives a fuck about the Midwest anyway.”

Everyone else in the country: Oh, awesome, a debate over whether New England or Seattle has the best fans! This isn’t at all unbearable!

Thank you!!!!

I fucking hate the Patriots. I promise the Pats won this trade.

That loud breathing sound you just heard was the sound of all the other part-time comedians exhaling in relief that Harkaway included “my colleagues” in his apology. I can’t imagine what that community has gone through the past 24 hours trying to understand how his actions might reflect upon them as a whole and what…

Are there any stats on how many of these murders happen because a meerkat wants to just relax a little with a beer after a hard day of working in the jungle and another meerkat won’t shut the fuck up about how badly the lawn needs mowing and it has to be done right away so it looks nice when that meerkat’s mother…

Brown bear, brown bear what do you see?

One of the more disturbing nature documentaries I’ve ever seen shows a dozen chimpanzees punching, kicking, biting a member of their own troupe, chasing him up a tree and leaving him there to slowly die of his wounds over a span of three painful days.

It is my hope that I will have a similar attitude towards my marriages.