But, but... I read the winning entries! I have no idea, then. I'm sorry I told you wrong! :(

Teenagers truly are the worst. I'm glad it's not super common.

When I first saw this, I almost didn't believe it. It's just so... egregious? It seems like a heavy handed Atlas Shruggy comment about bootstraps. Like, I would 100% buy this story as a ham-fisted attempt at "satire" by one of those second rate Onion type sites.

Is it common that the kids themselves call CPS?

They did the winners of that one on the last Pissing Contest post. I think it was New Year's Eve.

Thank you, kind internet stranger, for saving me from myself.

Holy cow. One time I wore them on a plane and later that night when I went to take them out it felt like they were fused to my eyeballs. I should have known. Glasses forever and always from now on!

Wait, why aren't you supposed to wear contacts on a plane? Am I going to die?

I am a former slut. I really enjoyed myself and it was overall a good thing.

This is simultaneously horrible and exactly on point (which I presume was its intended impact). :(

I have a pretty serious irrational (semi-rational?) fear of breaking my nose/having to have nasal surgery and then not recognizing myself. So I totes feel for Kaley Cuoco.

I didn't even know facial hair could grow that long! I'm torn between feeling horrified and jealous.

Clearly I've been in the internet for too long.

I thought this was a picture of a vagina. Am I drunk? (Where am I? Who am I?)

But see, that's a legit thing. I doubt any non-asshole would make a fuss about that. Having said that, lots of people are terrible, so I'm sure you get flack. But keep doing you!

No no! If they were built like Weebles, they'd just wobble, but not fall down.

I got the flu a couple times in college. It definitely sucks. Lots of rest and tea! Sadly that's about all that can be done. And NyQuil. Lots of NyQuil. :(

This. So much this.

We can be guilty together because I live terrible things and this show is going to be a train wreck that I cannot pass up.

I am sincerely delighted that this story has brought you joy!