Almost full term I got food poisoning from bad shellfish. Shit black liquid death and vomited up same for 24 hours. Went into labor. Felt something wasn’t right (contractions normally have a beginning and an end, this time they were constant) went to the hospital, discovered I had placental abruption, crash cesarean…

Most of the people freaking out are probably dudes. All the women are like “[shrug] yeah.”

heh, “segment”

Luckily for residents of the US, it’s relatively difficult to get a tapeworm. Doctors see about 1,000 documented cases of it a year here. I felt really special to be a part of such a small segment of the population.

Finally I get to share my story publicly in a setting where people WANT to hear it!!! In December 2014, I started having really massive stomach cramps. I thought perhaps I had eaten something bad, or was PMSing, but these cramps were constant. I couldn’t sleep, I stopped being able to eat. I couldn’t stand up…

Before I had my first so many people would tell me “oh you’re just so happy to have the kid that you forget all the pain of childbirth and the gross body things that happen in aftermath.” Those people are full of shit. I have 3 kids and intimately remember the horror and misery that came with every single one of them.

I vomited and shit my pants at the same time in 2nd grade, in the classroom, while we were playing Heads Up 7Up.

I had a cyst next to my twig and berries. Big one. I had it checked out by a doctor who said it was benign, but that she could remove it, but that I’d be laid up for a few days. I don’t really trust knives down there, so since it was officially declared harmless, I just let it be. A few years later (about a year ago,…

I once tossed my shit soaked underwear in the garbage at a Sigfried and Roy show in vegas at the age of 13 because no one told me to avoid the duck at the Harrah’s Dinner Buffet two hours prior.