He got mad at me for ordering milk with seafood ‘cause he said it would make me sick.

Because all of the beer will just fall out of the hole in the back his head, dumbass.  Don’t you know anything about how the body works?

Without the drinking, Drew is basically Jon Stewart’s character from half-baked now.

“You Must Be Sure You Wanna Taste It” may sound like the worst possible slogan for something you want people to drink, until you imagine some giant Slavic dude in a track suit declaring “I am for sure to taste you” before opening it with his teeth.

Fuck this shit.

If I was his son, don’t think I wouldn’t hand-make a “Happy Fodder’s Day” card next June. 

So what you’re telling me is pizzerias are going to start offering fancy pies with “fermented dough” and upcharge us 20%, when all it means is that the dough has been refrigerated overnight?

It’s a few thousand, and they seem to like it quite a bit. But please, tell me how I can change my speaking voice to personally accommodate you and I’ll see what I can do!

So he pounded seven Budweisers

Well in the case of Taco Bell, if you panic ordered you can usually just disassemble & re-stack the ingredients in a different combination to end up with close to what you actually wanted. 

the problem I have is actually just menu bloat, some of the places around me have in excess of 100+ dishes on the menu (seriously, there’s a pizza place here that will replicate every promo item the other places do but they never remove them from the menu so you have about 100 listed menu items)

I look up the menu because it’s usually a fucking novel and I don’t have time at the restaurant to read all of Oliver Twist before I get to the drink menu.

Don’t shame “snitching”. Exposing criminals is in the interest of society as a whole, and we want more people to come forward, not less. Yes, we’re talking about a garbage person, but the information he provides is valuable. And there is nothing valuable, or even moral, in remaining loyal to a criminal gang. So, don't…

“how are crayfish and lobsters not giant bugs?”

Strangely, the Times seems to think that Americans will be weirded out by eating animals that were raised on bugs.

TikTaco

They give out a free cuppa whip cream. They call it a “pupachino” but you don’t even hafta have a dog with you. Just tell ‘em it’s outside, bam, free whip cream.

The actual Tomsula Index is a list of businesses that will let you use their bathroom without having to buy anything. 

It’s okay to be a spice wimp! All our tongues are different. I find Diablo smoky over spicy. I also think it tastes like garbage. Fire sauce or GTFO. 

For the life of me I’ve known exactly one person that likes (not prefers, but can enjoy eating) those Milky Way/“fluffy-chocolate” candies. To each their own, but let’s say, we all know we’d take that out...what’s next?