Going to the mailbox is a great opportunity for your personal assistant to meet the neighbors’ personal assistants.

But, there are weapons everywhere. Literally everywhere. 

honestly you end up getting so many weapons that I was annoyed my weapons weren’t breaking fast enough

*reads blog*

“Hey, America, this is OJ Simpson. Click on my bio to learn that one weird trick that can get you off on a double homicide charge.”

“Nor will he comment on the LA thing.”

This is the most infuriating thing. The man isn’t stupid, he’s had his hands in creating some impressive stuff. But then he turns around and does the dumbest crap like this.

Happy Father’s Day to all my fellow single dads out there !!!!!!

Nah it's when he went flying down a stadium staircase in a wheelchair, which technically was an Anaheim thing

“On the underside of the armrest, you’ll feel a level close to your seat back.”

Third possibility: this is a sponsored publicity stunt, and he’s going to be “setting the record straight” on why Draft Kings is the fastest growing daily fantasy sports website, or how you, too, can lose 35 pounds in your first month on Skinny Fit Detox Tea.

If you’re sitting in the meddler window seat

Fuck, just in time for the release of the new Ford Bronco.

If you think his Twitter is bad, you should see what he says about some waiters on Yelp.

“It should be a lot of fun and I got a little getting even to do”

That sounds mean spirited even for a typical prank show. 

She's ten, of course she would pick the Nose.

When I was 10, I was afraid to trade pogs.

In his defense, the officer was probably just on edge from being surrounded by so many giant, successful, black men.

I can tell you how this is gonna play out now. He’s probably already back in Canada, so he’s out of their jurisdiction. And the Canadians won’t extradite one of their own. But Batman has no jurisdiction.