this is good too, and not to be confused with “4:20 John,” which involves sparking up in the can

Because she’s a masochist? I’ll get my endorphins from cocaine and meth just like God intended.

Sidewalks for regular walkin’, not for fancy walkin’.

This is wonderful, but damn it’s been four days and I still feel like I lost a friend...and I never even met the man.

....at which point, he decided to stand *really* still.

What could possibly go wrong?

Ah yes, Raiders of the Lost Arc. Far superior to Indiana Jones and the Trapezoid of Doom (and, obviously, the much derided Indiana Jones and the Temple of the Crystal Sphere).

Except if you’re a conservative - you wouldn’t like it here. You’re constantly surrounded by hippies, gays, and minorities, the church has almost zero influence in politics, and don’t even get me started on our stringent environmental laws.

That’s a “Jerri Blank” 36, it would seem.

I have been screened for depression more than once, and in fact have worked on materials given to health practitioners who screen their patients for depression. I am not clinically depressed and am, in fact, a pretty happy-go-lucky guy.

Not gonna lie, this tweet is made 100% better by reading in tune with Slam by Onyx.

My best friend and I dressed up as Burt and Ernie for halloween about 8 years ago. Went out and got pretty hammered at the bars, and then I see down the street, Cookie Monster, just standing there. Well I thought it was a good idea to jump on his back, we both fell to the ground, and that’s when I feel a shot to the…

I relate to a lot of this (lawyer, travel extensively, chronically depressed, very lonely, when I drink it’s often too much, mostly just want to sleep) and am also in DC... I know meeting new people is hard (at least for me), but if you ever want to get coffee and talk, frankly, I could probably use it. I would love…

Yeah, I feel the same way many days. I think if I died, people would care but they’d get over it pretty soon. When I think about the fallout of my death, I often think about how annoying it would be for people to deal with the practical fallout - my dad having to manage my condo, my coworkers having to figure out what…

Emmitt Smith: So that’s why they call it an “oldbitchuary.”

“Flag-Humping President...”

If she wants to do worse... I’m available.

I’m 6'4", 240. Either

Pop a fucking vein already, you worthless buttplug.

I guess I don’t really C what the B D is.