Don’t pull rank on my ass. :p

*im drunk rn

Go to the gift table, leave a card saying “What a beautiful day! I hope you enjoy the gift!”, then take half a dozen cards off their gifts, and scatter them.

Unplug the computer, lol.

Yep. That’s exactly how my statement should be interpreted, it’s not that I’m not interested in this particular protagonist’s narrative which is heavily bound to american male adolescence but that I ONLY care about protagonists who’s stories exactly reflect mine in every way.

Movie Spider-men are like Trump wives; they just keep getting younger and younger looking.

I find that pizza and beer do a pretty good job of making my ass bigger.

Some people say that he pays a prostitute to do just that.

Huh... just realized that Palpatine at least created jobs. What with building multiple At-at’s, At-st and space craft and bases. Not to mention two Death Stars...

I’m a capitalist tool!

An anecdote of why you can’t run government like a business. As told by Jamie Vollmer:

Well, you know the saying: You can tell a bigot, but you can’t tell them much.

No stamina, sad.

Omg this is why so many actors are gay! They diet so much and don’t eat enough cake!

R u sure? Have you tried having sex with a cake? That’s what he’s advocating as a replacement for same sex relations right?

No, really you guys, it works. I’ve eaten every cake I’ve ever been in proximity to, and I’ve never once caught The Gay.

Hate to rain on this guy’s parade... (no I don’t)

Kind of falls down when the world’s most famous bakery show is/was hosted by a lesbian.

“Sentient Breadstick” was my old stripper name.

That was amazing. It is absolutely clear it was news to him.