Have a pet. Or don’t. I don’t care, just don’t let it shit in my yard. - An Adequate Man

I’m 37, but the only kids I have are the ones I got from Craigslist and keep locked in the basement. Are you saying that means I'm not grown up yet? So judgmental.

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Caged? For artificial insemination? Coward! Sissy!

I spray my comforter down with Lysol

The kids on the playground will be singing “Deen, Deen, rape machine, biggest creep we’ve ever seen,”

This just in: someone likes something i don’t. To the internet!

Got two slices of pizza for lunch. Buffalo chicken and Hawaiian. Ate the buffalo chicken first, which was basically the most perfect slice of pizza ever. Then the Hawaiian: It was bad, and ruined both my entire afternoon and the glorious flavor the buffalo chicken injected. Should I have eaten them in reverse order?…