Every FaceTime call I’ve ever had with my mother was an accident on her part.

The irony is that the people making comments about his infant son are the same chuds who tell athletes to stick to sports.

Milkshake Duck gonna Milkshake Duck.

The crazy thing is that that Astros team wasn’t even that bad! That was a good lineup going out like chumps to a 20-year old ace. I’m an Astros fan (and was then too), and I still love what he did. Amazing!

Alright, who said “Speak!”?

Here’s the transcript from inside his head. You can hear him hesitate and make the snap decisions to edit himself for content. Probably trying avoid getting Dead Letters about his language.

If I ever hit my head hard enough to black out, literally see stars, and not be able to see straight, I’d use that injury as my go-to excuse for the rest of my life. I’d never have to help another friend move.

Is Tom Coughlin the one that looks like Timothy McVeigh’s grandfather or the one that looks like Fire Marshall Bill?

When the Texans were on Hard Knocks a few years ago, Bill O’Brien said the thing that has made me hate him ever since. He said, “We have to reserve the right to punt.” And he meant that earnestly. He’d rather avoid doing something reckless and roll over and show his belly than take any kind of real or perceived risk…

There’s only so much server space.

Video has emerged of the moment players collapsed on the field after the lightening strike.

That’s why I put one of those “No Soliciting” signs at my front door. Gotta protect my family.

Every weird fashion moment I don’t get just reminds me of this:

Scabbers!

The guy in the background was so impressed that his ball dropped.

My dad says it’s because he’s a quitter and only cares about collecting a paycheck instead of winning.

I recently lost a ton of weight (like 65 pounds). My secret was that every time I was about to eat something unhealthy, I would think about Jameis’s “eat a W” speech. Lost my appetite immediately. Dang near turned bulimic.

That home run was an Acuna M’Tater.

He’s 7'2". Nobody bullied him.