What's with the bucket of water? Is it a sad variant of how the winning coach gets splashed with gatorade?

In a scientific poll taken by Oakenguy Labs, 100% of respondents* would deal with a baby goat head-butting their door by opening the door and letting the goat trip-trap trip-trap his way inside to hang out and have a snack. Wth, Paramus?

As someone who likes cosplay but has a goatee, I am fully behind this.

Yeah, seriously. Someone hire that writer.

I was in Portland this morning and the three top local news stories were 1) this, 2) a high school principal arrested for OUI (.11 on the test!), and 3) a mother and son arrested for doing a string of muggings together. She’d distract them, he’d tase them.

I want a lot more details about her roommate, like whether they’ve been living together through the whole debacle or whether she moved in a month ago completely innocently and is suddenly like “Why is the Channel 8 news van outside our house?”

The only disappointment I felt with this episode is that they missed the chance for a great sight gag in not having him lose his outfit as well as the bomb when he phased. But otherwise, yes, this was amazing.

Well, you seem nice.

Oh. My. God. I never realized that. That's brilliant.

Portland, Maine. (Often referred to by residents as "No not that one, the OTHER Portland.")

Four or five years in the future when the space aliens reveal they've been among us trying to pose as humans, some of these stories will be Exhibit A.

Y'know, say what you will about Oberlin (and I have, at length) at least everyone there had equally shitty haircuts.

Yeah, those "free hugs" people are definitely pretty close to Patient Zero.

Agh, the whole prison with its "hundreds of zombies on the other side of the fence? Let's just ignore them until it becomes plot-relevant" drove me nuts. It's pest removal, people. You give a few people protective gear and long thin pointy spears that fit between the chain links in the fence and tell them they earn…

Within ten seconds of attending an anime convention for the first time, I got to see a pikachu cosplayer getting arrested for shoplifting. It was glorious.

So the uber-defensive commenter who responded to the last article about Connors/Rankowski insisting that he was receiving proper psychiatric care, had a support network who were watching out for him and making sure he took his meds, and wasn't nearly the threat he was being portrayed as—was that Rankowski, Hyde, or…

During the Boston DNC there was an Indiana Jones-themed party for the Whips*, and I was one of the performers hired to mingle with the crowd and entertain**. My job was to be a fortune teller, so I spent the evening wandering around with a crystal ball improvising improbable-but-entertaining answers to peoples'…

For even more irony, in two months you'll be featured as a character in the next Neil Gaiman book.

Seriously, I would love to see a club version of 'Kitchenette' where performers share their best/worst/weirdest customer stories. Assuming Emma wants to leave her current job for the money and prestige of online journalism, of course.

I am dying to see the email she sent out to her friends two seconds after she read this article. I'm sure it's a) 5000+ words, b) FULL OF ALL CAPS, c) laughing the whole thing off while simultaneously demanding all her friends log in here and defend her, and d) containing at least 38 lols.