“EEEEEEK!!! WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DON’T HAVE TO EAT FOR TWO?!”

I’m pretty sure I have the tightest asshole on the planet (thanks Kegels?) and I do my best work (farts) when I wake up. They are just so cartoony, and prolonged and sharp. If I had kids, I’d only be proud of my farts.

Do NOT encourage people to fart on a train, plane or bus. Hold it in a deal with the cramps like a man, a polite man. Or woman. Whatever. Don’t fucking fart on public fucking transportation. Fuck you.

Me after I wake up:

Starred for “death miasma”.

I know what you mean, BUT (pun very much intended) when mine are at their raunchiest, I am that much more proud. I literally impress myself with how disgusting my inner workings can get. I’m like *FFFFFFRRRRRNNNT!!!* “Wow, really dude?! Bravo! Bra-fucking-vo! Encore! Encore!”

Correct me if I’m wrong (I probably am) but weren’t Jeeps originally British designed/made?

Yeah, instead of helping to end human rights violations, they’re actually causing them.

“Kwa... ki... sur... pi... ni... ku???”

Isn’t he gay? And isn’t that the equivalent of a hetero woman saying that?

Holy shit. Nostalgia painted my memories such that it did look like that way back in 1999, but reality bitch-slapped me in the face years later.

Finally. After I spent something like 14 extra hours awake one day back in 2012 trying to figure out how to get some janky emulator on my old HTC to run it only to cry and give up... and then figure it out after I got some sleep...

If someone never played an AC game, could someone jump right in with this one?

Don’t bother killing yourself. Just go back in time and kick yourself while baby you is still in your mom’s womb. Gravity will do the rest.

Why couldn’t he have been the one to die of a heroin overdose?

My cat ruined The Force Awakens for me...

I’m sure she does, which is why she would hire Mexicans to do the work for her.