Runner up? If you’re not first you’re last.

Public sector Wisconsin worker here. You’re not allowed to hate him more than I am.

YOUR WIFE IS A BIGFOOT, GUS.

I like this one myself

I just walked into my bedroom, snuggled up next to my boyfriend and whispered:

I thought you might just be pressing buttons, but I looked at your comment history and you seem legit, so I’ll reply . . .

Nope. No social disabilities. Just a hockey fan and a woman who happens to be more concerned with the victims of crimes than the criminals.

Yes, a little spinach.

I think we have enough of these now to do March Madness bracket. Please.

Thanks, Governor Walker!

Erin:

Miata?

SIMMONS: Pack up your bags. We’re starting our own sports website.

It’s too nice a day outside to come up with a bunch of oral sex jokes, so please do my job for me.

So also in some universe a family of four is at a restaurant behaving themselves, ordering strictly from the menu, and tipping 30%?

: also my dating philosophy

You’re missing a key point about diced apples in sangria—they soak up the hooch so when you kill the pitcher, you have a delicious boozefruit salad to pick at afterward while someone else scrounges around the house for more cheap wine.