Hey, now, I'm not slapping plates of vegan food off of people's tables or anything, I just question the ideological resolve of someone who still wants to eat something that looks like the animal he quit eating.

I applaud you Sir Beast. Excellent use of grammar!

After a few minutes, I returned to the table. The man ordered a hamburger.

I have to hope that some would-be terrible customers will happen upon your column and realize their mistaken notions about what a filet means or what the days of the week are. I'm also convinced that 90% of these customers are followers of the cult of young Jessica Simpson.

You haven't had filet mignon until you've had it fresh off the boat. Also, if you need any monogrammed thermoses....

Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo.

ooo! What about secret phrases that alert other open kitchen cooks to attractive customers walking in? My last job's was "Fire pork chop!" and then everyone's heads would shoot up and look for the hot person who had just walked by. Whatever gets you through your shift, amirite? lol

Re: "camping". My brother-in-law who worked in the restaurant business for several years used to talk about how the owners of a place where he used to work would put a huge amount of effort, when buying new furniture for the dining area, into finding the perfect "45 minute chairs" - fairly comfortable when you first…

I knew a cook who had the following steak levels:

Not to be gross but if a delivery driver pulled off such a clever delayed fart bomb on me I would probably tip more because that is some impressive Lex Luthor level treachery.

Eat garlic, like, roast it and spread it on slices of french bread. Nothing will ever top the evil and noxious emissions that result from that.

I'll be crop dusting (and more) all over the place and not even be aware of the distress I'm causing.

Yeah you can relax on that. The only cardinal sin is being an asshole. You break that rule and all bets are off. In my experience, we also get very protective of any person who seems vulnerable and an easy target for assholes to pick on (a table of developmentally disabled diners, a visibly transgendered individual…

I know it's immature, but I'll think farts are funny when I'm 105.

My BiL and I have come up with the absolute greatest super power ever concieved: the power to make anybody have uncontrollable diarrhea on the spot. We would mainly use it on asshole drivers who put other people at risk trying to get one car ahead in a traffic jam, but it would definitely come in handy with some of…

My favorite client was non-verbal and pretty stubborn (or so everyone thought. Then again, they all said she was deaf too. I have an ice cream truck story that pretty much defeats that theory.) So, this lady who could be a bit picky about who she liked and didn't like had four hour staff that came in to work with her…

Don't you hate that? I worked a similar job for many, many years. One of my former clients became kind of famous (He had a special show produced about him and his art work) and he loved to talk to people- about art, sports, the weather..whatever came to mind. Guy was hysterical but a little hard to understand…

My kids and I used to think up useless superpowers:

OMG, how can people be so horrible to a CHILD? WITH OBVIOUS DISABILITIES??? What in the entire fuck is wrong with people? I'm glad they got crop dusted but true vengeance should be that's all they can smell for the rest of their horrible lives.

There is a long, colorful, at times urban legendary list of horrible things servers do, can do, and have done, to punish customers for being asshats. A lot of it is wishful thinking or just hygienically not ok. But this....