My reactions on reading this headline...

Five-star recruit: *On the way to a touchdown*

Ne-ver want to see ya take a snap

I’m sorry L. Jackson, but please run this wheeeeel

Tough decision. His heart is between a rock and a hard place.

People who steal electric cars should be charged with battery.

This is baseball, so the only way to resolve this is for a Marlins pitcher to fire a fastball at 95+ MPH directly at Bryce Harper.

True Life: The Miami Marlins

Eh. If a client can afford that kind of law firm, I don’t really feel too bad that they had to pay 50 bucks for a late night deep fried smorgasbord. It probably pales in comparison to the hourly fee they’re being charged. Lighten up my friend.

I know it’s the same company now, but it’s still very unprofessional to post stuff from The Onion without proper attribution.

The Association of Inflatable Flailing Arm Tube Men would like to see this senseless violence against inflatable, temporary peoples ended. For far too long, our kind have endured needless violence, resulting in many of our brothers and sisters being deflated and discarded. We will continue our work for the equal…

The guards had been diverted with a clever ruse of Girl Scouts offering cookie samples. I had a few minutes before their sweet tooths (teeth? That’ll have to be a question for the scholars) were satisfied.

TBH, there were already a lot of ways to compare Ty Cobb to the tweets of a lot of these people.

Maybe, but they’ll be paying full price for tickets.

I feel like a jackass because I answered the promposal by spray painting “Yes” on a black bear. We had a good time, though.

Um, if it had nothing to do with the city, then why is the T-Rex short for Torontosauras Rex, idiot.

Jet fuel can’t melt stadium cheese.

There’s only one thing to be done: trade him to the Pelicans for 9 conditional 2nd round picks in the years 2049-2057 with the condition that he change his name to N’Awlins.

You shouldn’t wagyu fingers when your beef be too soft. Not everyone is as tender as they are, so you should ground your beef or sit there stewing in anger. Instead, trim the fat and chuck the BS and sear towards future contests.