I had a c-section and they wouldn’t let me leave the hospital until I proved I could poop. Nothing, and I mean nothing in my life has ever hurt quite so much. It’s a good thing my kid is awesome because fuck that forever.

Accidentally bought sugar-free gummy bears from the grocery. They were the bulk kind of gummy bears, where they just put a bunch in a clear plastic container with minimal labeling.

When my midwife broke my bag of water with my first I cried and gushed fluid all over her hands and down her scrubs. She was totally grossed out. Bitch got what she deserved as she went in to “check” me and broke my water without permission.

It was second lieutenant dingus back then

.... way to live up to your username, champ.

I just got the biggest laugh from this comment. No idea why. But thank you.

I had hookworms as a kid. Tiny, white, wiggly worms that live in your butthole. I saw one sticking out of my poop one day and told my mom, who thought I was just being paranoid and told me to ignore it. Flash forward a few weeks later and it feels like my ass is full of broken glass. I go to take a dump, thinking it…

I gave birth to my first son in a hospital and tore a bit and so I had to get a few stitches (this is not the ew part, I mean ew, but not not OMG FUCK MY LIFE EEW, not yet).

Oh god, I remember hanging on to the sides of the toilet as I shat what felt like a 2 liter bottle. After breaking my foot, the fucking painkillers I got clogged me up, but also made me forget that I hadn’t pooped in forevs, so when I finally did realize, oh hey no poop for 7 days, that stool softener didn’t do shit.…

I’ve had this horrified, wide-eyed frown on my face for the past 30 minutes. I think I might need a shrink.

I’m not a regular pooper. I go maybe 2-3 times a week, and it’s not uncommon for me to go a week without taking a shit. I’ve been to the doctor, they say it’s fine but to keep track of how often I go. So for the past 4 years or so, I’ve kept track of my pooping. Maybe a year and a half ago, my boyfriend went to Vegas…

Fucking CHEW YOUR FOOD

Yes. Anyone who claims to have never shit themselves is probably lying, I’ve decided. I like to think we’ve all been that sick at some point.

Two weeks postpartum, taking a shower, trying to avoid even touching the fiery pus-oozers that were my nipples (thanks breastfeeding), when I feel something fall out of me, followed by a THUNK on the floor of the bathtub. I look down and see a baseball-sized blood clot. And because I was sleep deprived and hungry and…

I have adenomyosis. It causes my period to come out in clots, not in a flow.

Well this was gross and semi-impressive too. When I gave birth to my first I had to be induced. My labor wasn’t progressing like they wanted so the Dr came in to break my water. She told me that I might feel a little trickle and then there was an audible pop and my water sprayed out a good three feet from my body. The…

I was taking a shower and washing my butt, as you do, and pulled on something. Kept pulling. Started freaking the fuck out. Threw whatever it was against the wall and kept freaking out. Thought for sure I had some sort of intestinal worm. It was a rice noodle. That I pulled out of my butt.

For some reason I decided that using a neti pot for the FIRST TIME EVER, immediately after eating Carl’s Jr (aka Hardee’s, depending on what part of the country you live in), was a grand idea. I started laughing so hard upon seeing water streaming out of one nostril (I am easily amused) that I swallowed a ton of salt…

I vomited and shit my pants at the same time in 2nd grade, in the classroom, while we were playing Heads Up 7Up.

I lost basically all of my blood out of my back end a couple years ago. Sat on the toilet one morning and woke up on the floor with a large knot on my forehead and a trail of blood behind me. I continued to bleed in the hospital and ended up needing a double bowel resection. I received 16 pints of blood during that…