They are gonna get ALOT of paper towels.

Later, after the divorce, “Melania wasn’t a very good wife. I saw her once a year, around Christmas. Terrible in bed. Not a 10.” Later, after the disowning, “Don Jr.? Never talked to him. Think I saw him once in New York, across the room at restaurant.” Later, at the check-in center in Hell, “Donald Trump? The guy was…

Dude’s going to rehab; he was AT LEAST fucking around with alcohol multiplication. 

Wut. 

I’m 100% certain that there was a not-zero number of female professors, administrators, and the like at his school who had had abortions in their younger days, who, more likely than not, would not be in those positions if not for the abortions. It’s just the law of large numbers.

Men shouldn’t have sex if they’re not prepared to accept that the woman may get an abortion.

TEAM DOG DOES NOT APPROVE WE WILL HAVE OUR VENGEANCE.

So he admitted to it in 2001, two years before ICE was founded, the Justice Department got his citizenship revoked in 2003, and Sanders is giving ICE the credit because they drove him to the airport?

commented on Anzaldua’s “perfect English.”

I hope the guy who owns Ireland shows up.

I blearily thought that Ben Affleck was dating Slash from Guns and Roses and now I’m disappointed

“Youth unemployment at a 50 year low”.

she should try trying harder at murder then

His magnetic poetry kit is only a starter, and it’s missing a lot of magnets.

I would have accepted:

That motherfucker. 

1040 form and a pair of scissors.

Scott Walker is very special, in the way that your friend’s creepy, wooden-faced stepdad is special. Like you make sure he’s never between you and the door. That kind of special.

“The more I think about it I was like, ‘Ew.’ I was just, I had death in me.”