Too bad the new uniforms Sessions likes won’t have pockets, you know, because hooded white robes don’t usually have pockets.

Whew good thing that ban never passed or else I’d be STARVING

One of my eighth graders came up to me today and said, “Mr. P., I saw Trump at the wax museum.”
Me: “Oh?”
Eighth grader: “Yeah. <leaning in closer, whispering conspiratorially> His hands really are that small.”

BEEP BEEP BIG TRUCK GO VROOM take that Merkel BEEP BEEP

This is why I never answer the phone unless I know who it is and my voicemail message is automated.

So it’s this?

I have no problem with my taxes going toward poor people to make sure they have what they need to survive. I do have problems with how much money has been spent on Trump’s family so far. He’s creating new ways to spend money.

This is further proof of a theory I have been building for some time, namely: children don’t need goddamn cellphones for the love of Christ. 

Menopause vs Jake Tapper does not seem to apply. Unless I was wishing menopause on my wife. Actually, she is wishing for it right now, as she is over the crazy, random periods and shit. I’ll go back and pick it for her.

Jensen Ackles is way prettier than Rob Lowe.

If everything was free you could get as much Fisher Price as you wanted. It’s free!

“Hey Boss, maybe you should give up Twitter? It would help us out...”

to quote the great deadspin (nee gawker) writer Ashley Feinberg:

In places where it’s decriminalized/legal it usually seems to follow the same or stricter rules than cigarettes, so I think you’ll be fine.

LEAVE RICHARD ALONE. I just think the poor guy wants to retire and be left the hell alone. It’s not his fault he’s a national treasure but he deserves his peace and quiet. This guy needs to move on with his life.

Standard warranty product replacement. It’s a shame she isn’t a better shopper, if she’d had quadruplets the hospital would have given her the 5th one for free.

Charles tends to the gardens. He contributes.

WHhhyyyyyyyyyyyy

This makes up for Paul Ryan , Ron Johnson and Scott Walker right? We’re all good now, m’kay?