See, that's why you should use Oxford commas

DUDE. I liked you in 'Holes' and now you're just a hole. Your lack of appreciation for theatre makes me sad.

Smashed drinking or smashed high? Because one should see Cats while high and freak out over whether Rum Tum Tugger straddles the line between creepy and sexy ( he doesn't, he's creepy).

Willkommen, bienvenue, welcome!

I feel like you can't perform in Cabaret on broadway and toss around gay slurs in the same night.

Hopefully he gets some humility. If your claim to fame is Transformers and ruining Indiana Jones, you shouldn't be prideful.

My partner used to not eat honey and I am such a evil bastard I would sometimes get bread WITH honey so he wouldn't eat it all. Then he breaks and eats honey one day, and got stung by a bee moments later. Bwahaha!

Kinda/sorta relevant: I started a gym membership in March and a couple weeks ago realized I needed to expand beyond the exercises I learned from my initial meetings with the trainer. So I started googling. Holy Queen of Hearts, is that a rabbit hole of mind-fuckery I was not prepared for. Everything fitness related is …

I will never understand why Jessica Simpson became the body issues punching bag for every tabloid in the world. She's a knockout and has pretty much always looked like a knockout, I can detect no real difference between her and all the other female celebrities that apparently aren't deserving of this degree of insane…

Have scientists/shrinks figured out why putting our hands on our heads is such an instinctive human response to sudden disappointment or exasperation?

SO many Surrender Cobras

there are a LOT of people in this country who think themselves gourmands despite possessing culinary mastery on par with Drunk Amy Schumer.

i did AirBnB in Palermo, Sicily, and i rented out the penthouse of a 3 floor townhouse in the part of town near the University. i had a beautiful view of a bunch of cattedrales and a ton of revolutionary street art that said stuff like, "EAT THE RICH." on top of that, i had a pied a terre all to myself and my hosts…

I used to lifeguard at an indoor pool at an upscale resort sort of in the middle of nowhere in the Midwest. So it would draw a lot of small towners for their annual vacation. One time a family had finished their swim and were standing around looking at the ceiling. Eventually the dad came over and asked how to turn on…

When he got his first cell phone, my dad asked me if it had to be turned on for it to get calls. He is an electrical engineer. Two Masters Degrees. He was old as hell when he got the phone, but damn, son, he was an engineer!

This was back more than a decade ago, too, so Amazon was still mostly books at the time.

Rocks aren't often found in steaks, but they're often found in lobsters.

When I picked back up and explained to her that she had eaten the ice pack but good news, it's non-toxic, she yelled at me for putting her on hold, because she is very busy and doesn't have time to wait on hold. Busy eating ice packs, I guess."

Add Will Ferrell as a competing southern ex-NFL coach and I'd watch an entire movie of that.