Liu Kang didn't wear cleats, though. He fought fair. With fireballs and bicycle kicks.

DUN DUN

Total paralysis is probably the only thing that could make Joe Flacco more boring.

So, on the one hand: I agree completely. On the other hand, part of what offends me is how ham-handed and obvious the lies are. The British practically invented not having principles, and when they lie it's smooth like butter. If someone's going to lie to my face repeatedly, I'd like there to be a little dignity…

Nothing says "this sexual assault investigation will be handled well" like the putting the Steelers in charge of "oversight." Holy shit, you guys. You fuck up even when you're trying not to!

Further evidence that 1992 was terrible.

I love how people thing getting suspended from your team and shit on by the internet is destroying her life. Christ.

I think the Cowboys fans have the most eloquent understanding of their team's shittiness of those reader emails we've seen so far. Dad, the Germans and the Monkey's Paw all made me laugh, in addition to being a great WW2 occult thriller pitch.

Eli Manning is the Mark Teixiera of football. (Proof)

There's nothing not intimidating about the Maori. Huge, tattooed guys who spent hundreds of years beating each other to death with small billy clubs, whose cultural development moved seamlessly from hunting terrifying monster birds to cannibalism to murdering each other with imported guns to murdering Europeans with…

Technically, Connecticut is New England's New Jersey. Rhode Island is its Delaware.

I feel a great disturbance in the force, as if millions of voices cried out for Kate Upton's breasts and got Justin Verlander's flaccid penis instead.

Obviously, the correct response is to prevent people named Kevin from racing. Something about that name is just homicidally enraging.

You're amazing. I award you 11 out of a possible 10 troll points. 4 Billy Goats. Whatever.

1. People from Seattle don't jaywalk, and they think it makes them cool.

Meanwhile, on Jezebel, thousands of people continue to look at animated schlong for the third day running.

Whatever she paid those backup dancers was too much.