i know it’s not the hypothetical but if the offer was trade jackson and porzingis for a plate of roscoes i’d probably take it tbh

“My son already ate his ass up twice,”

Second shooter is our Episode IV Han Solo.

I don’t want to enable a criminal but your can usually find someone who’s willing to take a breathalyzer for you, especially for money. If you read this, Michael Floyd, it’s in Craigslist. Search “Blow Jobs.”

fewer people in my way at disney parks? good!

I’m having a Mitch Hedberg moment here and thinking the “low-top” shoe should just be called a shoe.

He’s like tap water that has somehow been watered down.

There’s a thing called an “ad-blocker” it seems crazy and it would leave you with nothing to complain about so tread lightly.

That’s why I don’t watch the local news. Nothing but endless puff pieces.

I hate Cruise as the stat of a movie, but did you see him in Magnolia? He’s a great character actor, but his movie star thing makes me want to puke.

Mary Simmons, fuck Rovell and kill, myself

Leslie Jordan is a dead ringer for Sessions looks-wise, but his affect is all Lindsay Graham which you’re absolutely right would probably make Sessions deeply uncomfortable.

That’s really shitty! So much ugh.

Holy crap! What kind of person isn’t super-sensitive to the stated needs of someone whose friend just died???

Perfect. Now he can run for Congress.

Cannot be worse than some of the taxi and Uber drivers I had recently. At least a robot car will know where it is supposed to go.

Since it doesn’t seem to be the hardest thing in the world to find someone’s secret Twitter account, it seems like it would be more effective to hide in plain sight and just start a parody account of yourself. Nobody would guess @thatidiotadamsilver is actually Adam Silver.