"...if BuzzFeed's constitutional cynicism were a body of water you could drop the fucking Burj Khalifa into it and be a breeze of dust motes on the far side of the universe before it hit bottom."

You’re a better person than me. I hate teens. I just dress like one.

She’s right, though. I sprung fully-grown from my father’s forehead at about age 25. #Athena

Ah, if only she knew how much 17 (depressingly) feels like yesterday.

Hate to tell you this, but that wasn't due to the lack of showering...

The only thing missing was Little Caesar finishing off the segment with his trademark phrase "Penis! Penis!"

“A Single guy, drunk, we can possibly overlook”

Honestly, if you (1) went to Syracuse, (2) played lacrosse, (3) looked like a douchy frat asshole, and (4) were named "Hayes McGinley," how could you not totally expect to get the Jesus Fucking Christ beat out of you at least once in your life by a guy named Big Jim Whitcomb.

"If, instead, WWE simply decided to have Reigns win this Sunday and stand tall, well, they're going to have to edit out a lot more boos."

Imagine the aneurysm he'd have if he ever saw pumpernickel.

Crawfish are BITE-SIZE LOBSTERS. That's American as fuck.

These are all stories of HEROES.

Roger Miller's story is why I always overtip for delivery. I get pizza so hot I can't even eat it yet, and the Indian place sends a free dessert every time. Mmmm mango mousse. I don't get why anyone would be shitty to the person who is saving me from having to cook and wash dishes.

Its a possibility you got duped by people lacking artistic integrity.

Too true. Broccoli is SO full of hot air...

Please let there be a ranch milkshake. Cardinals fans deserve a ranch milkshake.

My grandmother said that so many times when I was little that I have a near-allergic reaction to it now. That said, the advice is solid. :)