Just wipe down the goddamn toilet seat. Provided you don’t have an open sore and you do have a functioning immune system, your body can handle those weak-ass microbes.

Clutch move with the preemptive Chopped GIF.  Saving a lot of comment space.

This is all a big setup for a Full Bone Marrow Transplant Match at WrestleMania.

This is the exact situation where Kap makes the most sense. He’s better than any QB on the roster and he gives the fans something to believe in. Also, any fan who does the whole “stand for the flag” rhetoric probably puts that away because if you get Kap, you have a legit chance at a Superbowl and even idiot fans…

Episode 666 is next season’s Treehouse. I can’t believe how much the quality of AV Club coverage has declined the past few years.

The Thing is one of the best horror movies ever made.

I, uh, also thought I could eat more eggs than I did. 

There is nothing in any way bad about somebody valuing you as a friend. If you feel bad about being in the “friend zone,” do your unsuspecting friend the kindness of letting them know you’re a creepy asshole who has no use for their friendship except as it affords you proximity for continuing to try to fuck them, and…

Could you do a Dead Letters post with insightful, innocently crazy, or funny emails? I get bummed out by all the racist/sexist hate, and it would be cool to see the other side of that... assuming there is another side to that.

hello friend! if you are under 23 you should go bar hopping on South University (check out Rick’s). If you are older you should probably stick to Main and State Street (Braun Court in Kerrytown is a good little spot too for drinking). I’m a big fan of Jolly Pumpkin brewery/restaurant personally, but also Frita Batidos…

I’m sure there’s enough of us to make this one of the most-viewed articles on Deadspin today

I hate the patriots and cowboys completely and forever. By extension, I hate Sam Adams beer, Tony Romo as a commentator, Click and Clack, and both cities.  I view this as completely rational and will not seek the help my wife says I need. 

Also, the Jets play in Jersey’s asshole.

still better than candy corn

Are they actually pajama cutoffs or do you seriously pay good money for pajamas that are manufactured in the form of shorts?

Donate my penis to Virginia McCaskey, so the old broad can get fucked and die already.

I’ll never understand why established artists will see someone and think, “I want to remake that” rather than, “I want to capture what that made me feel/think.” The best outcome is someone like Chris Rock, who apparently was inspired to make Top Five after watching Louie and seeing how original the show was. I didn’t…

I was seriously vacillating between “I don’t WANT to be a pedant...” and “What the hell IS that sentence?”

Dude doesn’t use serial/oxford commas in his articles but will use 20 commas in place of em dashes.

Rodgers should shut up & go quietly to the team owner to solve this, not air his grievances to the public.