The triathlon part, mostly.  

That was a triathlon joke

Wow, I thought this was one of those classic Deadspin comments where you write a meandering, turgid paragraph and then land the punchline, but you actually meant everything you wrote. Fuck man, kudos.

Ask your friendly local Mormon

Such bullshit.  I only had one parent in the house I turned out (looks at deadspin commenting history)...touche, Chauncey, touche.  

Way to go mom. Dying when I was young so I couldn’t be raised right.

I mean, if it’s Draymond that’s not so bad..

In high school our coach used to end practices by setting our kicker up by like 50 yards, literally, in high school, and saying if kicker makes this, practice is over, if not, we run stadiums. The poor bastard never made one. I’m pretty sure our kicker went on to kill hitchbot or something.

The VAR review was inconclusive. 

I’m just imagining Joe Harris at home reading this and being, like, “Hey, guys, why didn’t you call? I also like clubs.”

It was super, thanks for asking!

I mean, it’s nice that you’re using your imagination and all, but if you read our (my) actual work on the subject, it’s pretty easy to see that literally no part of the argument was about what the Lakers deserve or don’t deserve. Fuck the Lakers. The argument was that the Pelicans, who’d made a mess of Anthony Davis’s…

That would have been an absurd argument if it was the one anyone actually made! But, alas, it wasn’t. But good job burning that straw man to the ground!

The word “twerking” goes back to the 90s NOLA bounce scene, but the type of dance dates back to traditional African dances like the Mapouka from Cote d’Iviore. And tbh I’m pretty sure people have been shaking their asses everywhere in some form or another since the beginning of fuckin time. But yes, most white people…

They're just pigeons. 

I was about to make a joke about how the only drug Ty Lawson abuses is gravy, but then I realized I’d confused him and Ray Felton.

No. No guy named Len Bias has ever played in the NBA.

What don’t you get about this?

Man what a happy ending! Timing is everything.

I mean, Embiid was literally crying.