smh I wish Shia LaBeouf would get a job already.

Britney honestly is so good at Instagram.

I was in Atlanta on business and took MARTA instead of renting a car. I had the worst head cold of my life and could not smell anything. I was coughing up a storm. About 5 minutes in to my ride I noticed people were staring at me strange, almost with fear. This went on for about two stops until a nice Asian lady came…

“usually reasonable burlap sack full of rancid Peeps...” -do you lie awake at night thinking of these? They are simply epic and may get me through the next year with these asshats.

Apparently he’s touring with some surviving members of the grateful dead in a show I’m just gonna go ahead and call “the worst”

Aw! Let’s just say that “Life is like a drug for her”.

I’m more like “how ‘bout get your own house, about 4-5 blocks away.”

Yes. That’s exactly what just happened here.

O’Malley is going to make a nice veep.

And then when your husband leaves you with the five kids he said he wanted, you’ll easily be able to jump back into the workforce. It's foolproof!

she says she has little left over after paying them just $9 an hour.

I know a white anti-vaxxer Ultra Mommy who posts vines of her twerking and dubsmashing Eminem’s “Rap God” so I really feel your pain

It didn’t even come with a frame.

I drunkenly bought a an autographed picture of the 2015 Chicago Bears team at a silent auction last weekend... I have literally zero connection to the Bears. I apparently reasoned that it would be funny to buy for my desk at work because the guy on Suits has all that sports memorabilia in his office and I figured it…