swippy
swippy
1/20/20
5:13 AM
11

Right? If you’re committing so many violent crimes that you’re wearing some well-machined metal out every few weeks, we need better laws. Read more

1/8/20
5:16 AM
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Nope, different muhfukkas. The brits went in and regime-changed the shit out of it in 1903 or so.

1/3/20
12:45 AM
6

Anybody'll tell ya: Write what you know.

1/1/20
10:01 PM
16

I don’t know either. I’ve been white my whole life, and I’ve only heard about raisins in potato salad when people are making fun of it on the internet. Read more

12/31/19
6:41 AM
13

yeah it’s weird he just does shit like this and no one cares

12/30/19
4:59 PM
26

So, the testimony is that he was getting punched while he shot the guy in the back. Were they hugging at the time? I can’t imagine any other posture that facilitates this. Read more

12/21/19
4:37 AM
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Yes, boneless racists are available, just not with a side of bleu cheese. Your choice of honey mustard or ranch!

12/19/19
1:36 PM
11

Yeah I didn't know she still had cards to play either, but it still seems like a foregone conclusion. 2/3rds of a Republican Senate that appears to be embracing lockstep is a lot of defectors to hope for. Getting his crimes out blatantly in the public eye would still help with the election, and the longer Mitch takes Read more

12/18/19
12:10 AM
13

Nope, pretty glad nobody was hurt. Too bad she freaked out her family and couldn’t communicate the strength of her feelings in a better way, but she’s only 16. She’s got time to grow up. Read more

12/17/19
8:07 PM
15

What do you mean? He’s just saying the phone called lacked any perceptible flaw, and approached as closely as possible the Platonic Ideal of phone calls. Read more

12/15/19
3:11 AM
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If Earth’s gravity is the worst you can do, then we’ll build giant robots in space. Why does it have legs? Same reason it has angel wings: mind ya business.

12/13/19
4:11 AM
42

Oh look, she even corrected his punctuation. What a dear. 

12/7/19
5:20 PM
4

I was worried about the epithet mistake too, but I think the KFC court bit made up for it. 

12/7/19
3:02 AM
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A two-dimensional black hole would be like those things Roger Rabbit has, right? The black holes we get from General Relativity are decidedly four-dimensional. Read more

12/5/19
7:33 AM
1

This guy comes upon the scene of a tragedy and his overriding impulse is “Oh look, an unattended titty”? What else has this person done? Chill all night on the couch at drunk parties? Maybe try some Cosby shit? Has he ever found himself in the Medical Examiner’s lab? Read more

12/5/19
6:53 AM
1

Exactly. He really pretends to have no idea that cops don’t protect poor people in minority neighborhoods, and that we already don’t expect anything from the cops other than to be more dangerous than the unsanctioned criminals. To suggest we “need” the “protection” they already don’t provide is absurd.

12/4/19
2:44 AM
5

Commissioner: “It is our official position that voiding the contracts of all these black players had nothing to do with the Macarena." 

12/1/19
4:53 AM
25

I hate to beat a beat joke into the ground, but he’s not even a budget Eminem; he’s more like a budget Fred Durst (and also don’t look that guy up).