You know when you have really bad period pain and a really bad period poo? Does anyone else get irrationally annoyed that you don’t poo out the pain? It really feels like if you just manage to poo, the pain will be excreted too.

UGH! I get this. WHY?!

Have you ever met someone planning to hook up and then not been attracted to them?

That is utterly bonkers! Why send your child in with cash?! Why was that their first thought for 100 day?

The current UK difference is 13.9%. So yay, we are less discriminated against? The whole thing sucks.

Oh heck, why didn’t your teacher help you? I am mad at them and just want to hug 10 year old you.

I don’t do Halloween but I have been invited to a letter P fancy dress party so I am going as the Pay Gap:

I always make my opening sentence something that shows I have researched them and chimes with their mission statement. So like:

DEFINITELY a lie.

My gross self finds that a shame. The joy of it squishing out almost made up for having a permanently tearing eye!

Report. I’m sorry this happened to you.

Did they give you a diagnosis for this? Because it sounds like a blocked tear duct - I used to get them. Massage the bony sides of the bridge of your nose and eventually whatever’s blocking it will ping out!

Mastitis is possible but rare in non-lactating women. It can be an indicator of breast cancer, hence sending you for the mammogram.

What a wonderful insult.

You called the Ministry of Defence? I am impressed they came!

Wow. I clean my teeth and go to bed. And sleep in my make up. I know, I am gross.

Twins. It was both fun and a little peculiar.

Speaking as the spokeswoman for all women I can confidently say it totally depends on the individual because we are not a homogenous mass with a hive mind and one single opinion.

The late Clement Freud (UK politician and raconteur, now alas disgraced) used to have a line, “My first wife..., I call her my first wife to keep her on her toes.”

Top tip: rest your bar soap on a rubber ducky on your sink (I use a snazzy commemorative London Olympics 2012 one where the duck is wearing a swimming hat and goggles, but other duckies are available) and there is no soap dish slime issue - the water simply runs off like water off a duck’s back.