I would watch a reality show called Nun Moms. I would watch every single blessed second. Make this happen, TLC, and I'll forgive and forget that whole Honey BooBoo mess.

you had one job...

Yes, my flow is....generous. And I think back to 9th grade health, when our mustachioed gym teacher taught us that a uterus is about the size of a pear. And as I sit there, fretting over if a tampon will last even 30 minutes, I wonder how so much blood can come out of me. It can't be right, right?

Are you sure it wasn't Kappa Kappa Kappa?

Yes, but only in Candy Land. The conversion rates are killer.

Yes, I'll have the Feel Burger with an extra large order of cries.

Vodka tampons seem like the worst possible idea. That's the part of my body that makes the worst decisions while drunk; I don't want to be an enabler.

Good god. Do you really want to take the time after you wake up (hungover, in my experience) to get out your trusty tin & put all that shit together? Girl, all you need to pack the night before is a handy pair of shades. Slip those mothers on, bid the dude adieu & take your fabulous ass home. People stare & snicker?…

TEAM CHAMPAGNE

I love this (except that song. I hate that song with a fiery passion!). This is absolutely brilliant!

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy roasted mixed-nuts and thy excellent croissants they comfort me.