That closer was deadly! Delicious Newticide!

For those wondering what a dorgi is:

Getting tackled by a girl is nothing to be ashamed of. Now getting tackled by a kicker...

cra·ven

McCain has always been a fraud. The “Maverick” was for suckers.

You can’t be too careful, Kim. You should withdraw from the public eye. Completely.

And, in truth, Dick Cheney was probably allowed to sit because he is legally dead.

Right? His name might as well be Chad Trustfundington III

The day that I can read the news without having to come across the name Donald Trump will be one of the happiest days of my life.

Hopefully the election outcome does.

“I scoured everything I could possibly find about why vaccines might be harmful. I became pretty convinced.”

I can’t fathom how anyone can possibly be undecided in this election.

They’re planning to overthrow us! This is the biggest threat we’ve ever faced. Quick.....

We all know that’s not as disrespectful as quietly sitting down during the national anthem. Geez.

Jesus Christ, can we get a warning or something?

Can we stop using “pussy” as a word to mean weak though? My vagina has birthed three god damn kids.

Even if he was an affirmative action admission all it would prove is that affirmative action kicks ass and is worth the investment, because we got Barack Freaking Obama out of it.

Honey? Have you seen my key to the Internet?... It's a card... It has a little gold thing thing on it. Someone wrote on it in Sharpie... I don't know why they wrote on it... Yes, that does seem like an odd thing to do. Please, honey, focus. Have you seen it? It's importa... No, I'm not being short with you....…