THIS TIMES A MILLION

More like, “What is it with these people and their overwhelming need to control what I put in my mouth?”

gonna go out on a limb and say it’s the prescription retinoid and not the coconut oil that’s making your skin clear!

Pfft. He obviously never learned that discussing fine California champagne is the best way to get in a girl’s pants.

I had an old person try to argue that we sold Polident for dentures. I worked in a bookstore.

I love this story because I’ve had almost the exact same experience with so many guys who are trying to impress me with their knowledge of booze complete with the whole “well little lady” bit. They were never that knowledgeable, and more often than not they were just completely wrong. Maybe next time they’ll not walk…

Browsing Craigslist one time for furniture, someone was advertising a Chester Drawers for sale. WTF are Chester drawers? Oh. Chest OF drawers.

When an author trolls his own blog, then I know I’m in the right place:)

I have to explain to her that it’s not alchemy or magic that transmutes peppercorns into pepper

Glad you like it. :) In related news, I use the catchphrase “thank you Admiral Obvious”, and when someone says “Don’t you mean Captain Obvious?” I tell them “surely, he’s been promoted by now!”

The Tito’s/Tanqueray thing reminds me of this time back in my mid-20s when I went to this party my then-roommate’s friends were throwing. I didn’t really know the people at this party, but there was free booze, so whatever. I’m making random small talk with this dude who, it became quickly apparent, was a total…

There’s a special section in heaven reserved for people who have had to deal with old people arguing over change.

my mother thought for years that if she put the onions in the blender i wouldn’t notice, and therefore wouldn’t be allergic. the christmas dinner episode finally convinced her that even if i don’t know the onions are there, i STILL have trouble breathing after i eat them. so now she knows it’s not all in my head, but…

This is why you don’t go chasing waterfalls. Please stick to the rivers and the lakes that you’re used to.

This must be why some of my older relatives thought that if they ground the nuts up fine enough for the cookies, I wouldn’t notice they were there, and wouldn’t get sick.

And God help you if there’s a gazebo near by...

Lakes are well known for attacking unsuspecting people, who are just driving around, minding their own business. You don’t have that kind of problem with ponds or rivers so much, but, damn, those lakes’ll get ya.

I'm fairly certain the woman who drove into the lake also suffers from Glorpman's, although hers appears to be a more severe case, everyone knows severe advanced Glorpmans turns you in to a raving bitch. You should be more considerate!

“you’ve never worked with the general public before.”

I’ve been working with General Public so long, he was just Lieutenant Public when I got started.

“How dare you mock the guy for not knowing what the beach is? Some people make it to age 50 without visiting the beach and somehow completely missing the ever-present representations of beaches in popular culture. Besides, many people suffer from Glorpman’s Syndrome, which is an inability to understand the…