Nick Offerman obviously doesn't know about the secret clause in the constitution which requires all incoming presidents to have sex with their predecessors.

I wrote in my friend Dave's graduation card...

positives: Nicki's makeup, the background booty shakers and Nicki's ass

I want to believe Nicki showed up to meet Sir-Mix-A-lot, he saw her ass, and was like "at last the chosen one has come"

I don't know guys, it took her a whole 10 seconds to show us a butt. #notimpressed

Well, this was uh.

A lot of this is a much more adorable version of what happens when we let our cats into the same room:

Was it you who posted another Cat HQ comment on another article? If so, keep them coming. MOAR CAT HQ.

Yes! Either that, or she's been stalking/sweating/uncomfortably drunk flirting with some finance/law guy who's a friend of a friend, and he's been ignoring her or something ("Maybe he just doesn't get FB friend requests on his phone? Right?"). So now she feels like she came on too strong, or wants to make him…

Worst part of Lewak's awful musings:

I am not surprised by your story. Maine Coons are a loose and slutty breed. My boy Maine Coon shocks me with his free love attitude and brazen cuddliness towards strangers. I have serious talks with him about morality and propriety, but he doesn't seem to listen.

"OMG I met this SUPER CUTE cute guy in 'construction' on this Craigslist ad but he's very skittish about 'bitches who try to tie him down. Hmmmmmmmmmm maybe if I wrote this big dumb post fawning over "construction workers" maybe he would let me watch Family Guy on Cartoon Network after we have sex. I mean, I…

You make me realize that my own cats don't pay me enough attention. Am I wrong to want it from random cats on the street?

Is the original a parody? Because I'm pretty sure she just said getting validation from creepy strangers is self-empowering. Um no, that's the literal opposite of self-empowering, as you are in fact getting your "empowerment" from the thoughts and feelings of others.

I was struck by that too. Men started yelling at me on the street when I was ten. I was tallish, and I developed early, but I see pictures of myself at that age and I was pretty clearly a goddamn child. And yet.

Seriously. I was 11 or 12. And the men tried to get me into their car. (They were even so kind as to try sweetening the offer with a promise of some nice, free heroin.)

Thank you for responding in this fashion. An article totally devoid of critical thinking does not warrant an ounce of reasonable response.

She was 2o the first time she got cat-called? Where'd she grow up, an island with no straight men in it?

Revised version 1000x better.

Creepy lady is turned on by obnoxious construction workers: News at 11.