If you believe that logging into a burner account to respond preachily to a joke you disapproved of falls under a category of “need[ed]” things, you have problems far graver than common stupidity.

You forgot folks who totally would never even consider a military background and overcompensate with an outsized fealty to the military, and people who outright skipped the chance to have a military background because of “bone spurs”

Here’s one you can’t blame on Shifty and D-Money, Maine.

(Also no day is a bad day if it starts with sex).

“This question is for candidate Lynch. What do you plan on doing to balance the budget if elected?”
“Thanks for aksin”

As opposed to Caitlyn Jenner, who was the first athlete to take trans public.

You seem like someone who has good takes and is fun at parties. Please DM me your info so I can invite you to my next party.

Right, people are “jealous” of their relationship.

not enough penalties IMO

I’m glad that I’m not the only one who thinks that way, that I wasn’t missing some obvious advantage to playing at Oklahoma Flat & Dust,

(I didn’t know that)

Or the person who uses the shower last can turn it off like God and the Founding Fathers intended!

All of my bath/shower combos required me leaning in and down to turn them on. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

Ah, rotary shavers. Use a high quality foil shaver and, most importantly, pre-shave juice. So much more civilized than attacking your face with a knife through foam. Also, touch ups!

Dude I got married a year and a half ago, and my wife ALWAYS does this. She’s wonderful in every way, except for that. What did I get myself into?

yeah, i have a strict unfollow rule for baby pictures. you get 1 a month, after that you’re unfollowed. it was awkward when my son was born, but eventually my wife has accepted why she’s unfollowed. i mean, what are we without our principles?

It’s like being divorced. You step out one little time and they empty your bank account.

I don’t care what anyone says; this is the man who got paid to quit the Buffalo Bills. Doug Marrone is a goddamn genius.

Running out the clock down 10 with less than 2 minutes to go? Found Andy Reid’s Kinja account.

Defending this article is pretty rich. “Football players get injured sometimes,” brilliant analysis.