You’re doing the Lords work Masshole.

I got $5 on Alabama.

ARGEL BARGAL HYMENS ARE MAGICAL INSURANCE AGAINST ANOTHER MANS WANG! SACRED STUFF! ARGEL BARGAL!

There is something deeply unsettling about that picture. It’s bringing back flashbacks of when my sister wanted to see how many clothespins she could get to stick on my face so she sat on me and started clipping them on.

I once found a bear in my shower.

*slow clapping intensifies*

In Comic Sans font. No, wait.

I’ve never seen someone drowning but I’m sure it’s terrifying (based on the look on my cousins face) but it’s weirdly quiet and not a, I guess the best word I have is bothersome, way to go. I imagine dying peacefully in your home at the end of a well lived life is similar in sensation.

I’ve nearly drowned a few times, so while I can’t speak for everyone I’ll share my experience.

Oh sweet Mother of Sin I hope he spasms like that when he finally dies, and I hope it goes on for hours and hours in the most blindingly exquisite pain that man can comprehend.

I bet he mows at 6:30 in the morning on a Saturday, and then plays music full blast at midnight. 

I starred you but it made me feel dirty.

They don’t understand tumble weeds. They don’ t understand why they stop in the middle of the road sometimes. They’re suspicious of groups of them hanging out in the middle of fields, all thorny and brown.

A bear with a gun, ya know, for the irony.

“Crooked Hillary gave candy to the Russians for donating to Bengazi

*Supernova cackling like an old timey movie villainess*

He keeps trying to sit with us! Why does he try to sit with us?

If it starred The Sirs Patrick and Ian I would watch the shit out of it. I imagine that it’s moody and the production value is amazing. Also they used to be partners who have retired but now they’ve been brought back to work on the case that haunted their careers when children have started going missing again. Could…

But I had tickets to the javelin catching competition! Candy was supposed to go with me!

Guess that answers the age old question of “What if God Was One of Us.”