Settle down, Mark. This is more reporting than CNN has done in ages.

They released a missile shooting criminal out on $5000 bond? That is frightnening.

The extra fuzzy tortoiseshell is Ginny (8), and the nervous gray one sleeping on my suitcase is Young Bertram (who is 2, and a girl). Excellent beasts!

That's my baby girl, Pimienta, 3yo.

Ah, Poppy. May flights of angels sing thee to thy rest.

Gaah! I die! The tuxedo tabby is my little old man Henry Cat (16), and the sweet chubby white twins are Tony and Cleo (6).

BELLEHS. I love it when my cats do that. Here is my fatass Maine Coon demonstrating.

Pic pic pic!! Here are mine (black and white one is Dr. Unagi 4 yrs old and the grey one is Disco5 yrs old

One of my little buddies is 16, and I'm not remotely ready for him to go. Fortunately, he's in good health for now. I'd love it if he gave Poppy a run for her money.

How does one get a cat's age certified? I'm certain that I've met older cats and even had a cat at one point (RIP, you crazy bitch) that could give Poppy's title a challenge.

Man I hope my two cats live to their 20s...little fuzzy assholes light up my life

You could also do that with glue, a common classroom supply. Given that this is a health and safety necessity for some children, can't we train the teachers to watch for and report bullying (which kids will do regardless of the materials available)?

What? Seriously? This is beyond the bounds of good sense. There are some people who can apply sunscreen in the morning and be good for the rest of the day, but with my skin, that would be a laughable (or at least a laugh until it hurts) idea. A parasol and a straw hat wouldn't cut it either, as nice as those can be. I…

Oh stop with this nonsense. I'm on the UT campus constantly; the last time I saw someone with "Juicy" on their butt, John McCain was contemplating who his VP running mate should be. Just stop. Seriously. STOP. My eyes can only roll so far back into my head.

Umm just because it's "typical" of any medical oriented school doesn't mean it's OK. You're absolutely right; there's an issue with sexist policies in all of these schools, where the administrators think it's A-OK to tell women that wearing shorts or showing cleavage has any bearing on their ability to excel in their…

The Slender Man sounds like one of The Strangers from Dark City.

Does nobody remember the creepy weird urban legend horror stories from before us? Bloody Mary? Candyman? Etc.

How does one get from Ooo Creepy Internet Stories to LET'S STAB THIS GIRL 19 TIMES? This is like blaming heavy metal for Columbine.

Leave the good sea lord out of this.