If Stephen Miller and a cat clock spawned a child.

That’s just how he looked when he killed your brother. And he talked JUST. LIKE. THIS!

This guy’s a fucking hero.

He’s continuing the proud family tradition of “Look, I didn’t actually see what you’re talking about...”

“Was I ready to be a head coach? I don’t know.”

No, Freddie, it’s Was we ready to be a head coach? Us don’t know.

Even though I’m a huge Jodie Foster fan, I can tell you for sure that my brain wasn’t wired for Contact.

Well, in McDavid’s defense I’d be pretty pissed off if I was an Oiler too.

I see a lot of people being awfully cynical here. Meanwhile Tebow, living his best life, is soon going to settle down with a beautiful woman and Nel-Peters is going to have what every woman wants most, sex with a 31 year old virgin.

Not more, just enough to make kids and prove to baby Jesus that you’re not a homo.

That message was brought to you by DeBeers, who sent a representative hidden in a hay bale to make sure it was delivered correctly.

Is there like a Worst Comment of The Day that I can nominate the above for? 

I’m legitimately whelmed by this fact!

Yeah, my buddy at the border says he’s got an F-250 SuperRaptor. Yeah, it’s got a V12, both turbo- and super-charged. He says it’s got like 2000hp and like 5000 torque.  It’s apparently a limited edition though, you can’t buy one

I have a lot of family in Pueblo and Springs. FUN FACT: they’ve been in America since before there was an America. They were in Taos when it was still New Spain. Mexico declared independence, then 50 years later, America coalesced around them.

That guy’s male-pattern baldness, facial hair, and pot-belly combo is basically the “Now, I’m not racist, but...” starter pack. What’s the over/under on the number of times since he got fired that he’s told someone how nobody can take a joke anymore and everyone’s too PC? I would bet my life’s savings ($6.42) that he…

And yet the most famous ass in all of hockey is always in some dumb suit.

[extremely Dennis Miller voice] I haven’t seen this much displeasure about a Cardinals’ decision since electing Pius XII, babe. They sent up more white smoke than Alice Cooper’s stage show in ‘78.

An excellent counterpoint to my baseball metaphor.

Good luck on your job hunt!

Artists: “Hey, are we getting paid for these?”