It is dickheads such as these that cause me to ALWAYS tip at least 20% unless the service was truly appalling. Chances are, some asshole has cheaped out on my servers tip at some point in the evening. My extra $$ may not make a huge difference, but I hope that it at least sends the message that not everyone is an…

I know this is ever-so-slightly violent and entirely uncalled for, but sometimes in life, some people just need a pepperoni pizza shoved clear up their assholes. Box and all.

I hope to god someone responds with a well-photoshopped "Face/Off" poster.

Am I a hopeless fuddy-duddy for refusing to get on Team Salad Tossing? I just...fecal-oral bacterial transmission, you guys. C. diff is no fucking joke.

Holy shit. I think you have just solved my neck/shoulder pain!

I did the same thing on a single grape in a grocery store. Slid about ten feet in the splits. The one who nearly killed herself laughing was my sister.

Babies seem to be so squishy and jiggly they are hard to really 'break,' it's like punching a sponge

My brother once managed to get an entire chunk of landscaping wood chip under his big toenail when we were playing in the yard as kids. It's been in my top 5 nightmares ever since. I would seriously rather be shot than have something get under my nail. Eugh.

My mom once fell down the stairs at a baseball game, and chose to hang on to her beer instead of catching herself on the hand rail. She sprained her ankle really badly, but by god she did not spill her beer.

This doesn't surprise me in the least. I regularly cram slightly hardened noodles under my nails when doing the dishes.

When my little sister was much younger - like 5, I think - my mom decided a cute activity for the two of us to do would be to pick flowers from the garden and make flower prints on fabric. If you pound fresh flowers into linen or canvas with a good amount of force, the pigment from the petals comes off and, once you…

I love the combo of macho pissing contest with a loose-leaf tea break.

This isn't me, but it was a guy I was dating at the time. We had vermicelli for dinner. There was one little dried bit of vermicelli stuck to the botom of the pot. Boyfriend, who was always cleaning pots and pans with his hands first to "save sponges" (WTF even is that) was cleaning it and decided to scrape the piece…

I legit slipped on a fresh banana peel once and went ass over teakettle. I know, Mythbusters says they're not slippery but I DID. It was pure cliche slapstick comedy, and even though my ego was probably the most bruised thing it was just so fucking ridiculous it counts as the dumbest.

I work in a kitchen and we got a new BIG pot. We were making mashed potatoes and when it came time to drain the taters I decided to lift the pot to the sink. BAD BAD DUMB IDEA. I KNEW it was too big and shouldn't have gone for it but I did anyways. The second I started lifting my brain and my boss yelled, "NO, THAT'S…

I love this story. I mean it must have sucked, obviously, but it's very amusing.

One day I was in a big hurry to get ready for my shitty retail job where my boss would bitch at me if I was a minute late. In the process of getting my jeans on I managed to step on the tail of my meanest cat, and she attacked my leg. I finished getting my pants on and ran out the door, not really feeling any pain. It…

I got a friends knee to the boob on the trampoline once. Hurt for 2.5 years. Trampolines are no joke.