He doesn't give a fuck about your padded room, either! The sheer force of his apathy will allow him to say "whatever, asshole" to the fundamental mechanics of atomic cohesion and he'll just phasewalk the hell out of there! NO PRISON CAN HOLD HIM!

The cherry on top was that whole thing about how he can use psychokinesis or whatever to choke people who say mean things about him on the internet. Clearly the deranged ramblings of some self-absorbed jackass with nogkgjjgjggggggggggggggg

It's like a big-budget variety show from a timeline where the North lost the Civil War.

They would if they'd finally get back to me on my pitch for an event miniseries where Meredith Baxter, Judith Light, Mimi Rogers, Tiffani-Amber Thiessen, Delta Burke, Blythe Danner, and Tori Spelling all team up to fight domestic abuse worldwide from their orbital headquarters.

Ah, the Hatesong Defense.

I'll always remember my dad wandering through the living room while I was watching that show, and being weirdly amazed at the idea of filming a bunch of action figures having no-budget adventures together. He even floated the idea of the two of us making something similiar together, which I now very much wish we'd…

MELTMAN.

The Fohth of Khan? The Fawxth of Khan?

"Let's finish it, Louis!"
*Hummer hurtles off a cliff and explodes as AC/DC's "Hell's Bells" blares on soundtrack*

"How strong they are, those Beefers
Who hang out in the darkest corner of the Gym
And lift the weights high up toward Heaven
And scream with pain and rage while their muscles grow larger
Than any muscles should!

Stupid puns like these are totally beneath an online community suchus ourselves.

I know you're joking, but I have seen the occasional "What if [female-led movie] was remade with an all-male cast, huh? HUH?!" rebuttal to the new Ghostbusters, and they all completely undermine the poster's intent by sounding fucking awesome.

"Nuh-uh!"
— Courtney Love

What the fuck parlors have you been hanging out in?

Thank God we're finally getting an emoji movie to solve that problem once and for all.

I'd love to see him as an antagonist in a Nicholas Winding Refn crime thriller. Both because I think he'd be great and because there'd be a 95% probability I'd get to watch Ryan Gosling beat him to death.

I have more than my fair share of dislike for Daniel Tosh, but I remain convinced he could put in an outstanding performance as the kind of murderous One Percenter sociopath that Bret Easton Ellis writes about. Something about him always creeped me the hell out, even before the whole rape joke debacle, and I bet a…

Hey, there are plenty of writing gigs available at The Dissolve Starwipe Gawker uh, does SomethingAwful still have a front page?

"She totally showed me her orbs."

Was this the one where they approached Sigourney Weaver to star, and she responded with an unequivocal (and very public) "hell no" because the entire story hinged on the protagonists pretending to be prostitutes? And she urged the filmmakers to come up with a different premise, but instead they just gave up and the…