Like the B.C. equivalent of a Tanqueray ad.

Song of Solomon: the only book of the Bible that could, and should, be read aloud by Billy Dee Williams while smooth jazz piano tinkles in the background. Awww yeah, my beloved.

Jesus wept.

Sod you, I shant do whatcha tell me!

6-8 MONTHS LATER - John Teti turns back for one last look at the former headquarters of the AV Club, now shut down due to severely decreased site traffic. He carries a box of his desk's former contents under one arm.

If names dictated destiny, we'd all be living in the imperium of Supreme God-King Malachi Throne.

*Correllian corvette with Uber sticker on the ion drive touches down outside Aldi, honks twice*

A friend of mine worked at a pharmacy some years ago and would regularly fill prescriptions for a man named Biff Zoltan, who was somehow just an ordinary, elderly guy and not a character from The Fifth Element.

I'm excited for the Aaron Sorkin-penned legal drama adaptation of this case 15-odd years down the road.

EXCELLENT! *air guitar*

How do you keep up with the news like that?

This sounds great, but I know I won't be able to watch it without thinking of this:

Star Trek: Shut Up and Jam: Gaiden

Everything's a joke to you people, isn't it?!

That hat hides an even more ridiculous haircut, so it kind of evens out.

There should be a movie where the leads are Shohreh Aghdashloo, Djimon Hounsoun, Gugu Mbatha-Raw, and Chiwetel Ejiofor. Not only is that a solid cast, but the posters will look like a Lovecraftian incantation.

Hey, they have Zoe Saldana: the world's greatest, and apparently only, African American actress!

She's like a human ASMR generator.

She's so great that one of her very first lines in The Expanse is "THIS CALLS FOR TICKLING!" bellowed at an eight-year-old, and she still managed to deliver it with the menacing gravitas of an Israeli Prime Minister ordering a missile strike.

I have the same dogshit expectations for this movie as everyone else, but can we take a minute to talk about how great Shohreh Aghdashloo is?