Obviously, he feared for his life, because beauty queens are among the most frightening of creatures, and she didn’t follow orders because it’s 2017, you racist, dickless, piece of semi-ambulatory waste.

First you teach him how to shake, then you teach him to sit - not on the furniture, though: Whatever that thing is on his head sheds like crazy...

Perhaps in the future, graduates who worked their asses off for their degrees will have some say in who they want to do their commencement speech, instead of getting chosen for them one of Trump’s many overused, semi-sentient RealDolls.

Forget it Jake, it’s,,, an Alabamatown...

Watership DOWN, repeat, WATERSHIP DOWN!!!!

I’ve always been partial to peanut butter and bologna sandwiches... turns out ham, salami and/or bacon also work.

That’s almost a Jerry Lewis sounding typo...

I wouldn’t capitalize him, either. A little man requires little print (e e cummings is an exception).

...damn, even I knew that one. And I think sports related trivia needs to be taken out entirely. They have a goddamn Jeopardy for sports, keep that crap over there.

We thank you for your service... and also for you protecting our country.

Much more stylish, yes.

Can we all agree that wearing pins and the like are disingenuous gestures designed to make people feel better about not supporting the things these pins etc. are actually meant to support?

Wonder if he’s a distant cousin to some of those South American Soccer commentators...

“I didn’t go to Morehouse or no house...”
-Ralph Ellison, Invisible Man (emphasis added)

Ketchup belongs on only one kind of meat: Meatloaf.

So... it’s okay to call the cops if you’re seated next to someone you don’t want to be?

Trump’s handshake simply lets those with whom he shakes hands know, subtly*, that he does indeed intend to jerk them around.

They can’t help being disrespectful since they’ve never heard of any of them. Any time this kind of thing comes up, you can bet a quick check on Wikipedia is involved after the fact. They’ve failed to learn history in the first place, now they’re forced to repeat it (inaccurately). 

The answer is obvious: His Chameleon Circuit is on the fritz.

I love the fact that nobody realizes it’s Melissa until she starts talking. This was just too good.