We had to hand-crank our Internet connections! 300 baud and couldn’t nobody touch me, by cracky!

Well, we used to ride our dinosaurs across the ice into Canada and trade for booze. I remember I outfitted my Bessie like a terror bird. Fastest raptor in Pangaea, by gum!

As long as they cart me off in a 1959 Cadillac with goddamn tail fins and rocket-fire brake lights, I’m cool.

Last Friday...the 13th. Coincidence? 

fist-bumps BCMystery

You young pups with your disco and your platform shoes! Back in my day, we tied two rocks together and beat on ‘em! And we were GRATEFUL!

I’m still sobbing into my Ironhead Heyward jersey.

Hold my prune juice, Junior. DOB 1963. Plus Ric Ocasek and Eddie Money died in the last week. Fuck.

No-brainer Nice Price: fun to drive, simple, reliable, great gas mileage, and comes with a theft deterrent—it’s a manual. My only complaint is that you have to be an Oompa Loompa to fit in one. Mrs Orca could barely fit her 5' 2" self in the driver’s seat.

No more entries, please--we have a winner.

If only the guy had built a fake gun into his arm, so the next asshole that joked about it would get something REALLY funny. “I’m sorry, sir, I’ll have to bust a cap for that sad attempt at humor.”

I want to be surprised, you know? I’d like to wake up and say, “Hey, this Trump fellow has certainly become a decent chap!”

Chuck Tingle? Is that you?

And how can I get one?

Drop the H and you’ve got something there.

I had successfully forgotten all about this song, goddammit.