Not always... I once was working in a bar that didn't allow children in after 7pm and this woman came in on her own and ordered a drink at 7.10pm. I served her. 10 minutes later her children walked in. I went over and explained that she was going to have to finish her drink quickly and leave due to the no children…

Ah so you dumped him cos he was patronising. That's totally fair enough love.

Pet is a common way to call someone if you're from the north of England - see also: love, duck.

This perfectly sums up my friendship with my parents' dog. I live 6000 miles away from them at the moment and if they don't Whatsapp me for 3 days, I'm immediately convinced the dog is dead and they don't know how to tell me.

My friends were strictly warned that if there was a single L-plate, pornographic playing card, dick themed accessory, veil or stripper at my bachelorette, they would be uninvited from the wedding.

I wanted to get married in camouflage but no one would let me. In the end I got married in the most amazing pair of buffalo silver sneakers and we bought the wedding dress material to match the shoes. Same with the bridesmaid dress. We found her a pair of red and gold diamante studded sneakers and got her dress to…

Hahahaha

This is so many levels of bad. Why does't she use those magic powers for something worthwhile like to complete her community service hours; she could use that spell Hermione uses to get to all her extra classes.

Thanks, I'll check it out.

''Just kidding, if I get married my husband probably won't know how to drive.''

I have really chubby fingers and rings look rubbish on them, but when I got engaged (and married) tradition dictated that I wore rings. He bought me a silver engagement ring with a little diamond in it and we had the wedding ring custom made up in white gold to match it. The two together spelt out 'I who is you' and…

Please let this be real. I love it.

I like to think that there was an appeal to Maroon 5 fans who had an impending wedding offering the chance to surprise their brides with this once in a lifetime opportunity to have the band play, but not one single solitary person applied.

I, too, thought she had a friend called Alistair who had problems getting a selfie.

Ain't too proud to beg

I used to work in a shop and the owner was a tight ass piece of shit who cared more about money than ANYTHING ELSE IN THE WHOLE WORLD. He instructed met that if a burglar were to come into the shop and ask for the money from the till, I was to grab a bag of change and hit the guy in the face with it. For $3.60 an…

Thanks. It was stressing me out both as an English teacher and a British citizen ;)

Capital C for Conservative - that's the name of the party not just a description of their attitudes.

I think maybe I'm in love now.

Can somebody please tell Dr Phil that you don't have to point to make a point?