This wonderland is closed for construction since someone died on the ferris wheel.

His farts sound like a rip off of Bono.

Read that as "Stephen Colbert shot himself" and almost had a heart attack.

SR-71 might be faster, but the B1 can carry 125,000lbs of stores at supersonic speed. (SR-71, = 3500) The SR-71 is Usain bolt, the B1 is an NFL running back on steroids and PCP.

Seriously, any dude that uses "libations" (or even worse "m'lady") who is not dressed in period-accurate reproduction clothing needs to be drawn and quartered. The Queen has so ordered.

Snoop Dogg on:

Its actually Ray Albers, apparently:

"When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, "Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping." To this day, especially in times of "disaster," I remember my mother's words and I am always comforted by realizing that there are still so many helpers – so many…

Totally on board. This person was telling me that every single person who has been suicidal had the right mind to see that their actions were selfish. When I confronted her with hard facts about how the brain works and doesn't work in this situation, for some people, she said that I was just spouting stuff out that my…

To steal what someone else said on another message board: Technically, suicide is a selfish act. However, people who are clinically depressed to the point where they're seriously considering suicide aren't capable of thinking rationally about such things.

Context? Dude, he's eating pussy!

"Let the women learn in silence with all subjection. But I suffer not a woman to teach, nor to usurp authority over the man, but to be in silence." — 1 Timothy 2:11

ON A CRACKER!

I think I'm done with the news for today. Bed seems like a grand idea.

This shouldn't be "Filed to: CRIME", this should be "Filed to: WHAT THE CHRIST?"

We reached out to Thorgalsen, who said, "Accidents happen. We filmed an accident. And we didn't legally have to pull over."

Womp womp. Ferraris catch on fire. The Pope is Catholic. The Pope lives within the city-state walls of The Vatican. The Vatican is located within Italy. Italy is home to Maranello. Maranello is home to Ferrari S.p.A. Ferraris sometimes catch on fire. Ferraris catch on fire.

I think she was trying to tell Ellen that she could take her onto the field, which is nice I suppose, but damn lady, give her some room to freak out!

NO BUT SERIOUSLY WHAT IS THAT USHER DOING/SAYING?!