Gary Johnson said he’d give me a piggyback ride if I published this

Idk about 300 being his only good movie. I’d say Dawn of the Dead and The Watchmen were good too.

I was going to type out "NEVER GIVE UP, NEVER SURRENDER!" but it takes too long on all those little tiny buttons.

The soup is less salty at Panera Bread...

I am in a similar situation but we couldn’t have sex because of Pillowpants.

Yeah, I got laid playing this game over the weekend. She is from Canada, so you wouldn’t know her.

I’m glad you asked. It is $1,530,000.

I'm having a stroke, right? I am in a KFC right now, had one of their heart attack specials, and this story is the result of the stroke I am having, right?

How do you still have a job? Jesus.

“No one is impressed by your dumb choreographed videos, OK Go.”

babies

Although the cannibalism may seem severe, it is thankfully brief. In other species, the female will slowly suck the life out of her partner over a period of decades. This process is commonly referred to as marriage.

As opposed to a cell phone that can have the microphone activated remotely used for the exact same reason? You can worry about it all you want, but if you are an NSA target, you better run to a remote cabin.

I say this as someone who served in the armed forces for 11 years.

Why do we have to try not to smile? A) We’re not making fun of him. and B) It’s not like he’s going to catch us smiling.

I think the Pneumatic Bolt Lullaby is the most popular tune in use. It only has one note, but it is a strong one. It’s no country for old livestock.

You have a choice, sounds heavenly.

Perlmutter may be a huge racist (and I’ve never seen him quoted as saying all black people look alike), but don’t forget that Terrence Howard is a legitimately terrible human being. Don Cheadle is a huge fucking upgrade not only in acting talent but also looks and character.

Probably because they’ve dedicated their life’s work and never made the newspaper. I believe in academic circles they call this “butthurt”.