I know right? Like, how can you “prove” anything? The world’s like a complete mystery. *hssssssssss gurgle* knowwhatimeanbrah? *kaff*

It’s not intentional, it’s second nature; it borders on an allergic reaction.

What’s he trying to tell me about Waylon Smithers? Or is it Maggie Simpson?

Or I don’t know, the Baltimore Draft Riots? Walking past each of those memorial signs Saturday night was fucking surreal.

Well, in that there’s first responders in the stadium, yes. It is marginally more dangerous outside.

There was no threat. The city was a ghost town. You could hear the stadium from the Kona Grill at some points. And it wasn’t full.

There weren’t. City was almost abandoned. Like right after one of the recent blizzards. Weird sounds (intense quiet, punctuated by orders to disperse from the ghetto birds). Weird smells (mostly dank ass weed and horsehit). And weird sights (three cops in a slightly dinged-up cruiser all texting at once). If there…

Is it insulting, though? This guy has no idea what he’s talking about.

The most dangerous part of the city has always been and always will be the crosswalks. The second most dangerous part of the city is wherever the Israelite Church of God in Jesus Christ puts on one of their performances. But only because they’re so stupid it hurts your brain. Otherwise, safe as anywhere else. Safer…

Or a Coney Island Coney.

Wait, is the customer or the sandwich the scrap of cosmic dirt? Is everything connected in the forever expanding forever freezing dark?

I used to have a problem with them. Hard to quantify (always a bad sign). Then I saw a hijab printed with the characters from South Park. Now, no problem at all. They’re all great.

You yell ‘Katy Perry’ everybody says ‘huh, what?’ You yell ‘left shark’ we’ve got a party on our hands like the Fourth of July.

Ahem, it’s called manstruation.

Dumb question: what do the traffickers do to the children that don’t come back with my money?

This is such a radical shift. Not good or bad, but radical. At least I’m firmly on the fence now, as opposed to completely unmoved.

Dan Aykroyd did it first, and better.

The MLB doesn’t hate anybody. That would imply they care about anybody. As long as the money keeps coming in, they don’t care where it comes from or how much is left. By the time their audience is dead, so will be the owners and everyone else. There’s no incentive to change.

Not until I’ve peeled everything back to reveal the cheesy truth.

Talk about missing the tip-I mean, the point.