I’m not hormonal. Stop it. I’m not crying. You’re crying. Shut up.

Oh, well played. From a hometown girl, respect.

The NYC subway this morning felt like it did in the days after 9/11. People made eye contact with each other. There were knowing little nods of mutual resignation. The mood was funereal. The sadness had weight, and we were all feeling the burden of it. I just keep thinking this cannot be real. I’ll need a few days at…

“That’s how she murdered Vince Foster!”

I will watch the shit out of this.

Yeah, I officially 100% just do not get the kids.

I am a very fortunate woman. :) 

You may bask.

Oh, I am 100% saying Donald Trump has a mental illness. He is textbook Narcissistic Personality Disorder according to the DSM-5, and I didn’t even need to pay for medical school to figure that out. Additionally he just happens to be a monumental asshole. You can be both.

Almost an hour after this posted. You’re slipping.

Trump doesn’t laugh. People with personality disorders often lack a sense of humor.

Wait for it...he’s coming.

I’m upset. You’re upset. We’re all upset. We needed this bad. But still there were a few bright spots, chief among them being, “A-Moosing Grace A Mascot’s Journey to God...and Success in Real Estate.” I was almost okay after that. Fuck this election.

Bette Midler and Glenn Close will be on Broadway at the same time. Once the diva prophecy is fulfilled, the demon mouth of Broadway will open and swallow Times Square back into the bowels of Earth in an apocalypse of flame and glitter.

This is the meanest question ever, and I hate you for asking it. This man is the President of my celebrity fuck list. I refuse to answer on the grounds that I have to live with myself for the rest of my life. How dare you.

It’s a good point, but nah. If we’re being real here, this is just about the word pussy. If he said grab them by the ass, or the tit, he would have been shamed, but not like this. Our puritan Christian ears can’t handle the word pussy. That’s a word for porn stars and atheists.

100%

Which rest stop?

What? Is that weird?

I was at JFK airport peeing in a stall when a Middle-Eastern woman in a burka swung open the faulty door. She saw me and screamed like she had just seen Manson in my vagina. When I came out to wash my hands she glanced in my direction, eyebrows furrowed, utterly scarred by what she had witnessed. Trying to calm the…