Wait, what’s actually happening here? I saw a lot of pink, and I heard women screaming at the mere hint of cunnilingus. It feels like girl power except it sucked.

Please tell us how overrated Beyoncé is, how she can’t sing, how you don’t like her, and how you just don’t get her popularity. The rest of us will wait here with bated breath. #queen

I’d need a tornado. My breasts are essentially hot water bags in the summer. Mind you, sexy righteous hot water bags, but still, I spend August caked in cornstarch.

In August though? That’s prime boob sweat season. My girls would much rather swing free in May or September.

I see them opening for The Decemberists.

Sarah Paulson is brilliant and she and Holland Taylor are now one of my favorite celebrity couples. I am calling them Hollson.

Blue myself. Head to Ikea.

That’s because the GBBO is infinitely better than the Olympics. I’d prefer it to almost anything. I’ve had sex nowhere near as enjoyable as binge watching this series, and yes, I have fantasized about sex with Paul Hollywood, and yes, in this fantasy he does feed me cake afterwards.

Never forget.

Where?

This shit makes me so stabby. Harambe and I have the same response. Fuck these gross, envious bags of pubic lice. I hope their hard drives explode all over their Magic cards.

I was up against a tree in a forest like the motherfucking wood nymph that I am. There were probably crickets and rustling leaves and shit, but mostly I remember a Metallica shirt, a very premature moustache, and the smell of Marlboro reds mixed with Exclamation and Chiclets.

I think it’s spandex. It is the recommended “appropriate” swimwear choice for Mormon ladies. I found it on a LDS leadership blog along with this helpful nugget of wisdom:

If Mormons and Christian fundys can wear these eye crimes at the beach, then anything goes. Also this is horrible. Get your shit together France. You’re not helping.

Bringing this one back. Robbing an old lady? C’mere a minute, lemme talk to you.

I wasn’t going to until you said something and now that’s all I want to do.

I literally just housed half an avocado. I am the problem. Still, from my cold dead hands.

Those look vile, and might be kin to these circus vomit flavored smurf scrotums I found. #Merika

This is the Lord’s work. She gets us.