I was on an R train a couple of years back on my way to work in Midtown when the conductor slammed on the breaks halfway into the 23rd St station. We sat there for ten minutes listening to the "momentarily delayed please be patient" recording. Everyone was pissed and getting more so by the second. After 15 minutes or…

I know a woman who went on a date with Rob Lowe when they were teens. He made a weird crying sound and came on her face. She's a lesbian now. Brad Pitt FTW.

What gets me is the false eyelashes. They pass out with nylon spiders plastered onto their eyelids and wake up covered in a fudge of mascara, eye crust, Jean Nate and tequila. Between the hair weaves, and the breast implants, and the pints of foundation layered onto their faces they probably drink so much just in the…

No I couldn't tell. But I'm sure it was gross.

Did they actually use the phrase "sexy singing" in reference to a five-year old? I'm beyond nauseous.

I would gladly shell out $20 a ticket if we as a society could agree to a permanent Katherine Heigl ban.

See this right here is why I don't have children. I would spend countless hours tormenting them and then posting the hilarious results to youtube. Man those kids would hate me.

I was a witness to this entire Ellen Barkin incident. I was with my fellow Occupy Wall Street protesters. We were marching up the sidewalk on 13th St when police scooters cut off the end of the block and began arresting everyone on 13th St. I barely escaped by casually walking around the NYPD and pretending I was not…

The use of this gif is BRILLIANT. Thank you for the laugh.

"there's not a lot of drinking water."

My Uncle John was a guest on Mr.Rogers once. He was the chief engraver of the Philadelphia mint and he showed Mr. Rogers how coins get made. When the episode aired, best day of kindergarten EVER.

Violet! You're turning violet Violet!

Colin Firth is my Anglican wet dream.

I don't like Natalie's earrings. They look like mortar board tassels.

And the winner is Randy Newman for Short People variation 23!

Luke Matheny, "I should have gotten a haircut." Favorite winner so far.

Not to get all Joan of Snark on everybody, but I really don't like what Amy Adams is wearing.

I swear I had the Reese Witherspoon Barbie in 1985.

"Charlie Sheen". Everybody drink.

James Franco is either too stoned or not stoned enough. This is so boring. I wish Charlie Sheen was hosting.